What is Falling?

Falling..

What does it mean to fall? Truly? Is it a mistake made, is it a old behavior repeated? What makes something a “fall" a fall in recovery or in life in general? Is it as simple as picking up the poison one uses to be able to handle life that day. Is it looking for ways to be anything then what you are? Is it someone’s belief that your not doing the right steps according to guidelines in a program?

I’ve learned recently that it’s not the actions of drinking or using that is the actual issue when your dealing with a addiction or self medicating. Dr Adi Jaffe talks about in his new book “The Abstinence Myth” so many recovery programs focus on removing the substance and then other things will fall into place and honestly I have to agree that’s just not truth.

Think about it why do addicts relapse so often? If you simply remove the substance all your doing is taking away the numbing cream so to speak. Or the crutch someone is using because there broken.

I’m not saying it’s a good thing to keep using the substance. I’m just saying it shouldn’t be the main focus.

If you treat the broken leg or get the right tools and medicines for the wounds their trying to numb. Pretty soon they will not feel the need to numb or to walk with crutches.

Speaking as a addict myself, and knowing many, many addicts I can say that getting high becomes a mandatory way to maintain really early on in to the addiction.

So many think that it’s just one long party. That the addict is a selfish asshole because they could stop of they wanted to. Or worse if they loved their loved ones they would want to stop. My God how far from the truth that belief is. I don’t know how far it is into using drugs but there comes a point early on when it’s not fun anymore. Most of the time you hate it. You do want to stop and get your life back. Your sick of chasing a bag. Your tired of the lies and the self loathing. The judgments of others. There is nothing fun about feeding a addiction. Your body quickly becomes dependent on the substance. So you have to have it because you fear the pain. You fear the withdrawals. So you convince yourself you just need to do it a couple more times. Then you will cut down and come off it slowly. Holy crap I have been through that more times then I can count.

Sadly it never happens like that for the majority. For me It was always Going to Jail or some horrific situation happening that brought me to a place I had to hit the brick wall of sobriety, and then try to slowly get back up again.

The problem is because I had not dealt with the issues, the trauma, the pain in general that would cause me to reach for something to self medicate. So all the wounds and the broken pieces within me were still very much there and now hurt 10 times worse. See you have the new pain in the situation that caused you to hit the wall of sobriety. Then the shame and guilt of everyone finding you you fucked up again. You have the physical pain in withdrawals and your mind telling you repeatedly your going to die any min.

You see the eyes of disappointment, the ones who are angry and feel like you betrayed them and the ones who just took back every bit of trust you ever earned with them.

It’s so crazy because you just need to be loved. For someone to say ok, let’s figure out a different way to deal with your pain. Just throwing away every numbing agent or crutch within reach will not work. Time getting behind you will solve nothing. Only cause the addict to feel more alone, hopeless, and like they are bleeding out from wounds untreated. The road to recovery is one that doesn’t truly have an end. You will always have to be aware of slippery places. Triggers, and you have to continually look at yourself and be in touch with your emotions and over all state of being. Doesn’t sound complicated to most I’m sure, but to a person in a addiction who has spent years running from themselves and unable to deal with their pain or life on lifestyle terms. Well that seems like an impossible road to not only get on but to live this way forever is almost too overwhelming to believe it’s possible.

If I had the chance to say something to anyone who is dealing with a loved one who falls in their addiction. It would be this. Please do not judge them. Sit with them, ask if you can hold their hand through the journey of looking at what the pain is when they reached for that drink or that drug. What’s happening inside right before that breaking moment they cant take one more second of pain. Is it anxiety? Anger? Loneliness? And what is it about those emotions in that moment that tips the scale? Start there. If you remove the ick of judgment. And truly see the broken soul standing before you. You will see how desperately they don't want to be in the pain they are in. They just don’t feel safe enough or brave enough to figure out what’s happening inside. They just want the pain to stop. It’s truly not about what they are doing to those around them. That is the tragic aftermath but the real problem is what they are doing to themselves. Using toxic tools to try and manage living life in so much pain. It’s not about their love for you or anyone else. They cant love themselves so how can they love someone else enough to find the courage to quit. It’s really sad how twisted so many beliefs surrounding recovery have been put into what’s possible for the struggling addict so early into their recovery